When good bags happen to terrible people.... Birkin edition

This post is a plea for those world citizens with a heart and a sense of compassion to rise up and free Amy Childs' Birkin from its current status as hostage to a scion of fashion depravity.

For those of you who have yet to have the pleasure of meeting this flame haired fashion flounder dry your eyes for I will happily give you a run down here. Amy Childs can to public attention on the regional reality show 'The Only Way Is Essex' (aka. a poor man's 'Made In Chelsea' or a more cosmetically enhanced version of 'Geordie Shore'). Some of you exclaim "but guru she's a reality star what do you expect" WELL let me tell you exactly what I expect- common decency. Just because you may have been raised by wolves and have decided to sell your dignity for the price of notoriety does not entitle you to a free pass. Rather, it entitles me to an all encompassing personal critique (made of course in the public interest) for the purpose of allowing you to better yourself.

Back to our little flame fired filly though... not only is she a sartorial disaster but she has also attracted my scorn for her abuse of the English language (pretty much my fav). Some of her most notable phrases include "well jell" (translation: very jealous), "honey" (which she uses to replace the object of almost any sentence) and "vajazzle" (the art of applying rhinestones to a vagina- something she considers herself to be the "queen" of). She has also famously stated that the capital of India was Pakistan.... on the upside though apparently was a star of the Essex County Table Tennis Team as a teenager.... so I guess we can at least claim solace in the fact that she's adept at handling small balls....

But back to the outfit...

(1) Birkin abuse- enough said. I think in today's example is fairly self evident.

(2) The hair.... Jessica Rabbit is pretty much trounces her in regard to pulling off this look which is pretty mortifying... considering Jessica Rabbit is... a cartoon rabbit.

(3) The coat..... I am actually conflicted as to which accessory I pity more. The animal whose hide was made into a Birkin (as far as post death jobs go- not a bad one) only to be touted by a failed Jessica Rabbit impersonator OR the fur coat which looks like it was severely abused post death and then wrapped around a failed Jessica Rabbit impersonator.

(4) I f*ing HATE when people where jeans without a belt. Rule of thumb- think of your belt belt loops like your private parts.... they should NEVER be exposed to the world.

(5) This isn't strictly outfit but I'm going to validate throwing it in as I consider plastic surgery to be an accessory (legit I feel).... her cheeks look like they need a swift pin prick and an exodus. Too much filler.  In fact I would suggest that you attempt to return that filler from whence it came and exchange it for a belt, stat.

A serial birkin abuser....

This post is dedicated to one man who has publicized and almost condoned Birkin abuse to a point which I believe is almost culpable.

Birkins are NOT beach bags. I don't care how much money you have, I don't care how fashionable you are on the beach and I certainly don't care if you're Marc Jacobs. Buy a beach bag, a BEACH bag..... 

I hold him personally responsible for the general trend of toting Birkins like they were a simple straw bag or even (gosh forbid...) a common plastic bag. Your Birkin is like a Audrey Hepburn or Katherine Hepburn... she is a woman who does not ask for respect but she DEMANDS it. 

As a result Marcy Marc you have now been sentenced to crimes against the Birkin.

 So I cut him some slack because as you know I ♥ dogs and this is a pretty adorable dog BUT even that doesn't sufficiently mitigate the fact that the Birkin is on the ground! I know it has little feet but c'mon show some respect. Would you make Audrey Hepburn sleep on the floor?! No, well then don't make your Birkin sleep on the floor!

.... this photo just disgusts me. The sand clinging off of the LV towels just the overindulgence in designer labels... it's just in bad taste and it looks (frankly) common and cheap (in my opinion). To me this is the WORST advert for LV and encapsulates why I refuse to purchase anything from there.

The Charge: Birkin Abuse, The Suspect: Gabriella Ellis

This post charges Gabriella Ellis (from the show 'Made in Chelsea') of Birkin abuse. This charged is based on her incessant toteage of one bright green Birkin bag. This court contends that this bag is being seriously abused through such incessant toteage and it is entitled to a much deserved period of respite from her arm or alternatively compensation (both from overuse and as a result of pain and suffering caused by its atrocious coloring coupled with the horrifically cheap outfits that it is paired with).

This court would also suggest that future Birkin owners have to take a licensing test to prove that they will not operate their Birkin in a similar manner, arguably causing grievous bodily harm to both the bag and society as a whole.

The evidence is presented below for your consideration.