The intolerable cruelty of Ms. Goodger

So this week on TOWIE Lauren Goodger broke down in tears whilst talking to Lauren Pope and confessed that she had gained weight since breaking up with Mark Wright and that she struggled with her body imagine....... I think the two thoughts on every viewers mind can me summarized thusly: SINCE?!...... AND......

Firstly, I just want to take issue with the 'since' she broke up element of the story. One need only take a gander at my past posts to realize that Lauren had attained, what I will refer to as, 'epic heffer' status LONG before her breakup with Mark.... so I think it is slightly convenient to blame it on that.... it might however have something to do with the cakes, the pies and whatever either sticky sweet treats she thrusts into that wobbly gob of hers.

Now I know I am being a complete bitch here but I don't have a lot of sympathy for this woman. She has oodles of cash, which she has acquired ostensibly by portraying herself as a walking doormat on national television. If she wanted to get fit she has the means to do it with; moreover, she could probably get paid to do it by releasing some kind of fitness video- or just selling before and after photos to a magazine. Furthermore, this just did not happen over night. She has been overly large for at least six months now and it's not like she hasn't noticed. Gosh she's stripped off for magazine shoots (I am referring to the barf inducing underwear shoot), she appears on a weekly television show and she's been photographed busting out of more dresses than I can count. However, now- when she has a new business enterprise- she expects sympathy for a situation which is completely her own construction.

Her feeble attempt to blame this on a break up that was months ago is further foiled by her own admission that Mark tried to get her to lose weight during their relationship.... She says he told her that people liked seeing good looking people on tv. Now Mark may be a lying snake of a man in many respects; however, in this context he speaks the truth.Unless it's in the context of a weight loss program I don't like to see unhealthily large people (which is what Lauren is, in my point of view) on television, I definitely don't want to see them in a reality show. Comedic or theatrical talent may overcome the viewing displeasure in other contexts but in the case of reality television there is no savior. 

I suppose the thing that pisses me off is what is she going to do about it. As a girl I admit that like most women I feel fat sometimes, I've even been chubby at points in my life- but it's not pointing out the problem that will solve it, goodness knows the sadness of the realization has often enough driven me towards a cupcake or two- it is acting on that realization which is important.

As you can therefore imagine Lauren's redundant and pathetic plea for attention has only served to further lowered my estimation of her.... which I previously did not think was possible. At least I don't really feel bad about calling her fat- as she has now labeled herself as such but I would like to see her surprise me and do something about it rather than just whinging.

Actually, I will say it here and now- if she does something about it I will write a glowing post for her in this blog. So the ball is in your court now Lauren- let's see what you do with it (....... just please, please don't eat it). 

Lauren Goodger- the transformation (and not in a good way)

So lately I have been totally unclear as to Lauren Goodger's motivations re her dress sense.... other than making me feel sicker than the malaria pills are making me (have I mentioned the epic hallucinations? Last night I dreamt that I had to have my lower leg amputated due to mosquito bites and when asking the doctor why I had to have this done he asked me if I had been drinking a lot of juice, wearing perfume and if my boyfriend hated me- at which point I - still asleep at that point- asked my boyfriend aloud 'the doctor wants to know if you hate me', suffice to say he pretty much thought I'd lost it until he remembered I was on loopy pills.... anyways I digress, back to Lauren the Great.... and my great I am referring to body mass, clearly). However after looking at the stills from last night's 'The Only Way Is Essex' it has become clear. She is trying to morph herself into a larger version of Lauren Pope and it's pretty frightening. If I was Lauren Pope I would run for the hills, who knows how many episodes it will be until Lauren seeks to abate her hunger (and obsession) by actually eating Popey. Run Popey run!

I hate, hate, hate Lauren Goodnger... HATE

So I am beginning to think that Lauren Goodger is not only reading this blog but actively trying to kill me through disgust. She was out AGAIN tonight with a man and dress that shared one thing in common, they were both too small for her (shockingly I'd go so far as to say that, the man was better looking than the dress). I also don't know where the new Louboutins were.... perhaps they refused to sell them to her (fingers crossed) because she was out in these troll clogs instead. Honestly, cheaper looking than her (or her hair)- and that takes effort.

.... I especially like the third picture down where she very much appears to be in the process of taking a shit standing up. Good effort.

Lauren Goodger and her chin take on London

So Lauren Goodger went back to blonde today, bought some Louboutins and took her double chin for a walk around London. Probably one of the more productive days in her time wasting expanse of a life, I would imagine. I just wish she would wear some form of trousers. I just have completely had enough of the sheer black tights and short skirt obsession she has going on. In fact I would offer up a truce- she stops rocking this outfit of foulness and I will stop making fun of her portly figure.

And speaking of could have been mothers (had she not aborted Mark Wright's baby).... Lauren Goodger continues to terrify us with her thighs

Perhaps unsurprisingly Lauren Goodger's body continued to assail my eyes both last week and over the weekend. She has continued her trend of bar hopping, wearing far to little and resultantly making me want to rip my corneas out. To make matters worse the more she goes out, the more she drinks, the bigger she gets and the more of her there is to cause my pain. In fact her thighs appear to have taken inspiration from Pinky and the Brain and are plotting to take over the world.

To be fair to Lauren- her thighs were not the only pair to be causing me stomach pain. Chloe Green was spotted looking worse for wear and putting her, imperfect, body on show. I usually like Chloe. She has good style. But she needs to remember that what is on trend may not be flattering and that is a statement that clearly applies to this ensemble..... I would even be willing to suggest that Lauren looks better. And trust me that statement is as shocking to me as the result of Man U, Man City's game yesterday was to the majority of the male world.

I would like to say however that Lauren Pope was the redeeming feature of the night. I have to say I thought she looked absolutely stunning in her red dress and her hair looked PERFECT. I do have to say however that as Lauren Goodger's roommate I do resent her apparent unwillingness or inability to get Lauren to (a) stay inside less (b) wear more clothes when she is beyond the confines of her house.

Lauren Goodger makes me feel sick, as per usual

This week Lauren Goodger made me feel sick by wearing an overly tight AND short dress- not a good look is putting it lightly. This look is just bad news bears.

The other thing that's making me sick this week- Lauren Goodger

Lauren Goodger has been out and about all week 'celebrating' being single.... or more likely commiserating her confirmed future as a fat old cat lady. Regardless she has been assailing my eyes with her poor clothing choices and foul figure all over town. Honestly the girl could have her own show 'how not to dress for your figure'.

Lauren Goodger sees fit to welcome me back to society- I am left incensed my her continued presence.... the saga continues

Is Lauren Goodger trying to intentionally anger me?! It would seem so because no sooner did I return to civilization then did a picture appear of her in a wedding dress online. Luckily someone was standing slightly in front of her in the photo so she was (thankfully!) minorly obscured (divine intervention?!) by Amy Childs HOWEVER the damage to my retinas was still complete. 

Another day another wobble from Lauren

And of course Lauren couldn't let me rest in peace....

WHY!!!!!

So my least favorite ogre has freed herself from her prison of krispy kremes, oreos, lard and goose fat to crawl out of her cave of obesity and despair to inflict her morbid form on me AGAIN today. Has this woman no shame!!!!! Well I will give her points for wearing a one piece. Thank you Lauren that was very kind. But what the ogre giveth the ogre also taketh away because soon after she peeled her rapidly expanding excuse for a female form off her fiancee's leg (I can only imagine that it was withered and in seriously pain) she donned a short skirt and decided to flash a little vag. Luckily she had underwear on as I don't know if I would have lived to tell the tale had I seen the ogre's loins. I feel like the filth would have burned me (I'm thinking True Blood style- vampire walking into the sun) OR alternatively I would have been forced to gauge out my eyes and end my own existence for fear of ever re living such a moment again.

Today started off well with the one piece. There was a shining beacon of hope on the horizon. For a minute I thought I could actually tolerate this woman. But then there was the vag AND THE KISS. Oh gosh the KISS! The kiss reminded me that this woman is freely able to reproduce. Soon there could be tiny little ogres running about. An small army of eye defilers (I'm imagining them as terribly bloated versions of Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka but orange skinned- like Lauren- and with little Essex accents. The image is at once both hilarious and deeply disturbing).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and Lauren will discover the wonders of either a muumu or, far preferably, a burkha. If there ever was a time of a place for a Burkha she and this is it.

ps. If you want to further torment yourself check out those cankles....

Kate Moss's message to Lauren Goodger

My eyes are still burning from those images of Lauren Goodger. When will her flatulent frame cease to cause me pain!!!! Well until that day I will simply stare at this image to make the pain stop.... and Lauren, if you're reading this take this as a message of hope. 

Dear Lauren.... a plea to cease and desist

Dear Lauren Goodger,

Today I checked the news only to be assaulted once again by your grotesque form. Kindly please refrain from staging photo ops of yourself when you are less than barely clothes. The ones of you clothed are bad enough but nobody should have to be subjected to this. I actually pity your fiancee (by all accounts a grade A douche bag) purely for the fact that he is likely subjected to this sight on a somewhat less than regular basis. I didn't know that he os blind and or a masochist but these photos make it clear that he is one of the two. Moreover, I am confused as to how you live with yourself when you are objectively so unfit but also subjectively FAR less fit than your fiancee. I would suggest that if you want to put those cheating rumors to a rest perhaps you should take care of yourself a bit better. Perhaps then the media wouldn't be so inclined to believe that he would cheat on you with anything that walks (I am still awaiting a claim to be made that he defiled some piece of shrubbery or a lamp post.... surely he must have exhausted ever woman in Essex by now).

Best regards and with the warmest intentions,

Katie

Size 10 my ass..... and a discussion of the size Lauren Goodger's

Some of you may know Lauren Goodger from the television show 'The Only Way Is Essex' (yes the same show that has enabled Amy Childs to abuse Birkins and pelts). Don't worry if you haven't seen the show it will not prevent you from enjoying the post.

This girl claims that she is a UK size 10 (an American 6)..... It is a claim I intend to dispute here. 

I must admit I am always somewhat amused when celebrities reveal their dress size. Mostly because it is usually done to retort claims that they gave gained weight and are therefore often laughable (one of my favorites being Kim Kardashian's assertion that she is a US size 2.... given that the basically is a midget it would not surprise me if some of her fit into size 2; however, I would actually love to witness her ass fit into a size 2.... I imagine it wold be as akin to trying to fit Khloe into Kim) at best. In this case Lauren Goodger has claimed (in response to being 'bullied' about her weight on twitter) that she is actually a UK 10 and then posed in her underwear to prove it to anyone..... As an attempt to cease people commenting about her size this has got to be one of the worst ideas anyone from TOWIE ('The Only Way Is Essex') has ever come up with (and I'm including Joey Essex's choice in clothing, the ill fated glamping experiment and Arg's purchase of a full sized pig- thinking it was a micro pig in here). This idiotic decision has only created fodder for the media and commentators alike... making us all feel validated in pointing out that the girl is indeed fat and apparently delusional. I would also like to add that I feel her tub has actually violated me. I unsuspectingly sat down to read the news and I was eye raped by her lard. Images which nobody (and I'm including her fiancee in this diatribe) should ever be forced to see, particularly without consent.

So firstly let us start with the pictures that sparked this debate....

I would say the girl's a heffalump but hefalump's are both cute and fictional. Sadly she is neither. What she does look like is an over cooked sausage which has been squeezed into some red foil. I'm half expecting the casing to burst and fat to literally ooze out.... disgusting.

 Soooooo here is the apparent 'proof' of her size 10 status. I'm pretty sure whoever does her PR (a) deserves an IMMEDIATE canning.... do not pass go do NOT collect 200 dollars (b) deserves the unmitigated disapproval of the masses for allowing this atrocity to great us over breakfast (one of many meals that Lauren clearly enjoys...).

 Even the corset fails to encase her 'svelte' *ahem figure....

So here's a picture of her face. If I didn't know that she was a wide load bearing gremlin of the highest order I would objectively say she's pretty here.... however, on closer inspection I notice her sausage fingers. I have had bowel movements that are more lady like that those vertiginous talons. I would also take this opportunity to point out both her membership to the botox club and her altered nose.

Now I am both a proponent of botox and surgery BUT girl can we please get your priorities straight. The wrinkles on your forehead SHOULD NOT be your greatest concern..... not when you have a double chin the size of a small a cup bulging from your neck. That is undoubtedly the most offensive 'wrinkle' on your face and what should have dealt with accordingly. There is no point in having a taut face when the rest of you looks like a collapsed pudding.